My husband and I are now on the second day of our fifth week of quarantine. He is still working, so other than being at his home office instead of his regular office, his day isn’t all that different from what he would consider a “normal” day.
For myself, on the other hand, life is very different. The butterfly photograph was one taken during a wonderful hike in Sedona with a close friend of mine last August. We felt so alive and free that day. Right now, I feel like I am in a chrysalis. I have not worked with clients in five weeks. We are fine financially, but I still feel I have to somehow be productive everyday and prove that I am not wasting this time. I also have my husband at home all day asking me what I am up to. He isn’t judging, just making conversation, but there is something in me that feels guilt he is working and I am not. In my head, I start creating stories about him thinking I am being lazy. He always comments on how much I accomplish on a daily basis in “normal” life, so I somehow feel I have to keep this up.
At the beginning it was all about organizing closets and fine tuning Feng Shui cures in our own home, but eventually that was done. Our home is for sale, but obviously there are no showings taking place at the moment, so I can’t work on packing us up or looking for a new home for us either. All our trips are cancelled. There is nothing I can do about much these days and that is not a position I find myself in very frequently.
To stay in a positive head space, I have really been trying to focus on what I can do. I am keeping a gratitude journal. I am meditating daily and exercising at least five to six days a week, even if it is just a walk with the dogs. If I am honest though, I am struggling a bit. Binge watching Netflix all day with a Diet Coke and some potato chips seems like the way to go some days, but I had told myself this was a perfect time to practice clean eating without cheating, so there is no junk food in the house. I am also writing my book and find ways to putter around not doing much in order to procrastinate feeling the feelings I experience every time I sit down to revisit things which have happened – good or bad. I cook, make smudge sticks, pot orchids, deadhead flowers in the garden, check status on our travel refunds…you get the picture. Then when I haven’t written that day, I feel like I wasted the day. On certain days, my energy, thoughts and emotions are all over the map even though I haven’t left the house! I know there is no “right” way to navigate this quarantine, and as a light worker, I know this is part of my journey, but it doesn’t make it any easier. My guess is I am not alone in this.
This morning, after meditation, I pulled a card from my https://starseedoracle.me/ Starseed Oracle deck by Rebecca Campbell (my favorite deck at the moment). The card said “WAIT. It’s not yet time. Things are being woven.” The interpretation on page 119 literally says “This card is your permission to slip, to slow down, switch off, and rest. You are being reminded to have patience and to trust the mystery of life…It may not be happening to the timeline you’d like, but if you gather up the patience it will be orchestrated better than you can ever imagine.”
Is that the lesson I need to learn? Things are certainly not happening in a timeline I am comfortable with, but perhaps it is the timeline which best serves me. My husband and I read A New Earth by Elkhart Tolle https://www.amazon.com/New-Earth-Awakening-Lifes-Purpose/dp/B000CC3MGA together last year and I came across a passage today (digital decluttering to avoid writing, but still feeling productive 🤪) that I had highlighted and photographed.
“When you become comfortable with uncertainly, infinite possibilities open up in your life. It means fear is no longer a dominant factor in what you do and no longer prevents you from taking action to initiate change.” We as a global collective are being invited to “become comfortable with uncertainty” as it is our reality at the moment. We are all being pushed to our limits in our thoughts, beliefs about ourselves and in what we can/can’t do (both physically and mentally). Sometimes action means doing nothing – as in my case. It is a true struggle for me to “do nothing,” but perhaps within that lies the challenge to break through in order to move forward and transform into the best version of myself.
If I ask myself how this experience has changed me and what I have learned so far, the answer would be I see the importance of slowing down. It does not mean I am not productive. It means I understand we are like Mother Nature herself. It is not possible to be in a constant pattern of growth. It’s ok to switch off and binge watch The Tiger King on Netflix. It’s ok to slip up and have an occasional Diet Coke and some potato chips. ( I will be ordering these on Instacart in a few minutes – have to practice what I preach!). It’s ok to take a nap and rest when the time feels right.
I truly feel we will all come out stronger when this is over, in one way or another. We won’t take simple pleasures for granted anymore. We will appreciate the value of rest and self- care. We will come out transformed, rejuvenated and ready to be our best selves. The caterpillar has to go through a struggle to free itself of it’s chrysalis in order to become a butterfly. We are all in our own chrysalis at the moment. Do your best to do what you need to do to break free through, whatever that means for you. Look forward to the moment you spread our wings as a beautiful butterfly.